The Infamous Horse Sketch
by Xuchilbara
Summary: Petshop of Horrors/Vampire Hunter D/Monty Python crossover. Count D sells D a faulty horse. Laughter ensues, I hope.


Summary: Count D sells 'D' a faulty horse. Laughter ensues. Petshop of Horrors/Vampire Hunter D/Monty Python crossover.  
  
Author's Note: I'm a PSoH fan. I'm also a VHD fan. And (guess what) I'm a Monty Python fan! Such a combination can only mean one thing - insanity!  
  
Wait, no, that's not it....  
  
*rustles through some papers* Ah yes, here it is...Such a combination can only mean one thing - laughter! So enjoy.  
  
A doorway appears and Count D's head pops out of it in all it's well-groomed beauty. "LN? Dear?...I think you forgot something."  
  
LN: Hrm?...Oh yeah. I don't own any of this...not PSoH. Not VHD. Not even Monty Python. Can you believe THAT?!  
  
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A soft chime of bells signals the entrance of a customer. That and the fact that the customer left the front door wide open.  
  
Urg! Anyhow...  
  
As typical, Count D is in his.....what the hell DO you call that room anyhow? I mean, it's not exactly a living room but it's not really sitting room material either and...oh, bugger that. Count D can be seen lounging delicately yet oh-so sexy on the couch like any good bishounen. The sound of the bell rouses him from his bishounen-induced lounging and he stands to greet the customer.  
  
The wide-brimmed black hat appears first and then the rest of our second bishounen (isn't that a lovely word?) for the evening follows. A mysterious breeze flutters his cape and long hair for that ever-so dramatic effect. It's only fitting for D, Vampire Hunter Extrodinare!  
  
D studies the petshop owner a moment and then addresses him, "Hello, miss?"  
  
Count D blinks, "Are you talking to me?"  
  
D raises an eyebrow as he leans forward to study the figure a little closer. "Uhh...er...um, sorry then." He continues right on, "I wish to make a complaint."  
  
Count D smiles, clasps hands before him and smoothly says, "We cannot be held responsible if you have violated the terms of your contra..."  
  
D cuts him off by hastily continuing, "Never mind that. I wish to complain about this mechanized horse that I purchased not half a day ago from this very shop."  
  
Count D thinks a moment, fingers twining luxuriously in his soft, straight and gorgeously clean dark hair. "Ahhh yes...the latest model with four-hoof drive and anti-skid shoes with luggage rack, CD stereo, surround sound speakers built straight into the backs of the ears and including the additional turbo booster, helicopter and underwater attachments. Luxury climate-controlled saddle too...the deluxe model!" He pauses in his musings to ask, "What's wrong with it?"  
  
D stares calmly, "I'll tell you what's wrong." From the vastness of wherever anime characters manage to store their ever-present huge mallets (or perhaps it was just behind his cape), he pulls out a stiff-as-a-board mechanized horse and plops him neatly onto Count D's coffee table, cracking the furniture in two. "He's dead, that's what's wrong!"  
  
Count D jumps with the thud, holding a delicate lily-white hand with exquistely manicured nails up to the chest of his perfect cheongsam. He tentaively steps forward again and looks down to the horse. "No, no, he's..." Count D begins to assure the dhampyre, then pauses to think up a good excuse. "He's resting!"  
  
D narrows his eyes as Count D looks to him, "Look, I know a dead horse when I see one and I'm looking at one right now."  
  
Count D smiles brightly and begins waving his hands again, "No no he's not dead! He's resting!" He stands back up, straightening his cheongsam until narry a wrinkle can be seen and begins, "Remarkable horse, this new model, isn't it? Wonderful steering!"  
  
D sighs, "The steering doesn't enter into it. He's DEAD."  
  
"Nonononono, he's RESTING!"  
  
D's ever-so-calm expression is now one of general ill-humor. "Alright then...if he's asleep, I'll wake him up!" He comes over to the head of the horse, kneels down to the level of it's X-ed out eyes and grasps an ear. He begins shouting into the ear, "Hello there, Horse! I've got a lovely fresh carrot for you if you show..."  
  
Count D whistles soundlessly and 'accidentally' nudges the horse's head with his foot. Then he jumps back and points to the horse, exclaiming, "There, he just moved!!"  
  
D quickly stands, his hand quipping out, "No he didn't, that was you nudging him!!" (A/N: See, I didn't forget the hand, you silly gits.)br  
  
Count D looks offended, placing his perfect hands on his slim hips, "I never!!"  
  
D stares at the Count as his hand screeches, "Yes you did!" D then takes the moment to flip a strand of his flowing locks over his shoulder, causing said hand to gag on hair and spit out numerous profanities.  
  
A/N: And this is where the author's alter ego speaks out against so many bishounen comments, calling this all "Very silly indeed" and claiming that it will degrade into nothing more than a swimsuit contest. But suddenly the alter ego dies of a heartattack and the fic continues.  
  
Count D continues, disregarding the A/N completely, "I never did anything!"  
  
This said, D begins poking the horse repeatedly in the side with his sheathed sword, yelling, "HELLO HORSE! TESTING TESTING TESTING!!! THIS IS YOUR ALARM CALL!!" All of this, of course, has no effect on the horse's corpse. The dhamphyre snorts, muttering, "Now that's what I call a dead horse."  
  
This once again sends the very beautiful and exotic Count into vigorous head-shakes, "No, no, NO! He's stunned."  
  
Everything freezes. D directs his half-hidden face (thanks to the miracle of his extremely large hat) to the Count in a classic face-fault. "STUNNED?!" screams his hand.  
  
Count D nods his head sagely, "Of course. You stunned him just as he was waking up. These mechanical beasts stun easily, you know. Terrible flaw in their programming."  
  
D continues his face-fault for a few more moments, then huffs and returns to normal. The cool, composed D quickly returns as he states, "Now look...I've definitely had enough of this." He jabs his finger down towards the corpse, which Q-Chan seems to now be poking right in an X-ed eye. "That horse is definitely deceased and when I purchased it not half a day ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired."  
  
Count D seems stuck. "Well.." He begins to look everywhere but at the dhampyre, attempting to shoo the little yellow bat-thing away. "Umm...I suppose he's just..." He perks suddenly, "He must be pining for the countryside then!"  
  
"PINING for the COUNTRYSIDE?! What do you mean pining for the countryside?" D's hand exclaims once again before getting covered over by D's clenching fist and then covered over by a convient banadana from that wonderful mysterious anime region. "Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him home?" D adds, calmly.  
  
"Oh, the mechanical horse prefers to lay on it's back! Amazing piece of work, isn't it? Wonderful steering!" Count D gushes.  
  
D blinks slowly, his tone rationally calm, "Look, I took the liberty of examining that horse when I got it home and I found the only reason that it had been standing in the first place was that it had been NAILED to the floor, which would explain your insistence that I take it's stall flooring also."  
  
Silence reigns for several moments. "Well, of course it was nailed there. If I hadn't nailed that horse down, it would have eaten through the stall door, then chewed on my sofa and possibly left it's "presents" all over the shop. Just like that!"  
  
"Just like that! This horse couldn't go "just like that" if you put 4 million volts through him! He's dead!!" D shouts.  
  
Count D gives a little sniff, waving his hand. "No he's not, he's pining."  
  
Suddenly a vein pops out on D's head (or hat rather...how odd...) as he begins, "'He's not pining." He takes a deep breath, "He's passed on! This horse is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the floor he'd be pushing up daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-HORSE!!"  
  
And yet another dramatic pause ensues.  
  
"Oh...well, I'd better replace it then, yes?" Count D smiles oh-so-sugar sweetly and instantly scampers (yes, scampers. tra la la.) off into the petshop.  
  
D merely mumbles something about 'why couldn't it have been that easy to begin with..' and barely gets that out before the ever-so lovely and bishounen Count scampers back in and announces, "I'm sorry but we're out of mechanical horses at the moment."  
  
D snorts, "I see, I see...I get the picture then." He continues to stand, eyeing the Count with arms crossed over his chest and dark eyes intense.  
  
"I've got a mermaid," the Count offers helpfully.  
  
D pauses, "Can it walk on land?"  
  
The Count blinks, "Well...no.."  
  
"HARDLY A REPLACEMENT THEN, IS IT?!?" D exclaims, losing his patience once and for all.  
  
Count D ponders a moment, a long nail tapping his chin (delicately, though, don't want to break it!). "Well, there's a little petshop I personally know the owner a town away that will replace the horse for you. Just tell them that the Count sent you."  
  
D grumbles, "Very well..." He then stalks out, finally releasing his hand from it's gag. A string of muted curses follows as the bell chimes once more and a door shuts.  
  
Count D sighs dramatically, flicking his eyes down to the ex-horse laying on his ruined coffee table. He then shrugs and plops down onto the couch once more, "Works every time..."  
  
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So did you all enjoy it? Review! 


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